Words thought in daylight turned to actions at midnight
When the night falls you line up, show ID not sure what you'll find
Inside there's plenty to see
A girl on the table, camera flashes
Two guys throwing them back
There's a couple dancing, if you can call it that
Many more talk with each other, ready to unwind
When the clock strikes midnight, everything changes
One, two, three, four are ordered and passed around
It starts to get crowded, it's about to get rowdy
A fight breaks out between two guys
Fighting over a passed out girl
Then sirens sounds close by
This is all I could get, Emily if there's anything I should add or change let me know!
There is a great suspense built up but im not sure what thoughts are morphing into actions. Could this topic be turned into a villenelle? Thoughts during the day verses actions at night?The line about a "passed out girl" is a little rash and could be articulated a little better. I like the like "there is a couple dancing, if you can call it that". I think the poem could benefit from more creative language and an underlying moral or advice. Making a bar close scene poetic seams difficult but I think you have a great start!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Emily. The first line seems to imply that the poem will be about how thoughts will turn into actions, and most of the poem is describing a scene at the bar. I liked the way you described it though, it definitely sounds like an Athens Friday night, specifically at RedBrick. But my only suggestion would be to try and add in some of the thoughts that the bar-goers had earlier that day and relate them to their actions at night that you described well.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Emily about the best line--see how that's where you add your perspective, your voice? You have attitude there. There's something cynical but alive.
ReplyDeleteThis poem is a step forward. But pump up the specificity still.
What kind of girl on the table? What kind of fight? What gets said? What's the passed-out-girl's name? Is it Cassandra? Is "Fighting over a passed out Cassandra" more poetic somehow? Maybe. Maybe not.
Always make choices when you're writing creatively.
Dave
P.S. Ahh, Alex has a good suggestion here too. Did Cassandra think "Tonight will be the night I fall in love," only to end up the way she does. Did the speaker think she'd see something new only to see the same old thing? Did one of the guys think, "James is a great sideman," only to punch James at 2am?
You could get to something about the way we fool ourselves, the stories we tell ourselves (in order to live!)
Dave again